When Someone Keeps Making You Question Yourself: Gaslighting, Abuse, and Rebuilding Self-Trust

Coming off of our conversation about boundaries, I kept thinking about something that comes up in my therapy room over and over again:

What happens when someone has spent so long being told that their perception is wrong that they no longer trust themselves enough to set a boundary?

That is where conversations about gaslighting often begin.

In my own clinical practice, many of the people who bring this experience into the therapy room happen to be women, particularly women who have experienced unhealthy or abusive romantic relationships.

That does not mean gaslighting or abuse only happens to women.

Men can experience abuse.

Gaslighting can occur between romantic partners, family members, friends, coworkers, caregivers, and within many different relationship dynamics.

But because of the population I personally work with, I often hear versions of this story from women:

“I didn’t even realize it was abuse at the time.”

Or:

“He never hit me, so I didn’t think I could call it abuse.”

Or:

“I don’t know anymore. Maybe I really was the problem.”

And sometimes by the time they enter therapy, the relationship is over  but the questioning has followed them.

Abuse Does Not Always Look the Way We Were Taught It Looks

When many people hear the word abuse, the image that immediately comes to mind is physical violence.

A black eye.

Being punched.

Being physically restrained.

Visible injuries.

Those things are absolutely abuse.

But abuse can also include psychological or emotional abuse, threats, intimidation, sexual coercion, financial control, stalking, coercive control, isolation, destruction of property, and patterns of behavior designed to create fear or control.

That distinction matters because I have heard people describe experiences such as:

“He never hit me. He punched holes in the walls.”

“He would throw things when he was angry.”

“He blocked the doorway so I couldn’t leave.”

“He controlled where the money went.”

“He needed to know where I was all the time.”

“He made me stop talking to certain people.”

“He would threaten what would happen if I left.”

And then finish the story with:

“But he wasn’t abusive.”

Sometimes people believe that because the violence was directed at the wall instead of their body, it somehow does not count.

But punching walls, breaking objects, throwing things, or using physical aggression around another person can function as intimidation.

The message may not need to be spoken aloud.

The message can still feel like:

Look what I am capable of when I am angry.

Abuse does not have to leave a bruise to create fear.

So What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which someone repeatedly causes another person to question their perception, memory, judgment, or understanding of events.

And I want to emphasize repeatedly, because not every disagreement is gaslighting.

Someone remembering an argument differently than you do is not automatically gaslighting.

Someone becoming defensive is not automatically gaslighting.

Someone disagreeing with your interpretation of an event is not automatically gaslighting.

The concern is the pattern.

Over time, the person begins to distrust themselves.

It can sound like:

“That never happened.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You always exaggerate.”

“Nobody else would be upset about this.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You’re remembering it wrong.”

Or sometimes the manipulation is more subtle.

Something clearly hurt you, but somehow by the end of the conversation, you are apologizing for being hurt.

When the Conversation Keeps Getting Turned Around

Infidelity is one example where I hear this dynamic come up frequently.

A person discovers betrayal.

They bring up the hurt.

And instead of the conversation remaining centered on the betrayal, it becomes:

“Well, you weren’t giving me enough attention.”

“You were always working.”

“You made me feel unwanted.”

“If you had been doing X, I wouldn’t have done Y.”

There may absolutely be relationship problems worth discussing.

Two things can be true.

A relationship may have been struggling and someone is still responsible for the choices they made.

Explaining the context of behavior is different from transferring responsibility for that behavior onto someone else.

Yet after enough of these conversations, someone may start asking:

Was it actually my fault?

Was I asking for too much?

Maybe I caused this.

Maybe I really am too emotional.

That is where self-trust begins to erode.

Gaslighting Can Be Especially Powerful Inside Abusive Relationships

When manipulation exists alongside intimidation, control, isolation, threats, or other forms of abuse, it can become even harder for someone to recognize what is happening.

Imagine being repeatedly told:

Your feelings are wrong.

Your memory is wrong.

Your interpretation is wrong.

Your friends are wrong.

Your family does not understand.

You are overreacting.

You are the problem.

And the person telling you those things is also the person whose approval, affection, safety, or stability you depend on.

Eventually, you may stop asking:

“Is what they are doing okay?”

And start asking:

“What is wrong with me?”

“I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore.”

This is another sentence I hear.

Sometimes people leave these relationships and realize they do not know what they like anymore.

What they want.

What they believe.

What clothes they actually like.

Who they enjoy spending time with.

What boundaries feel comfortable.

What decisions they would make without somebody else’s input.

Not because they literally lost their personality.

But because they spent so much time monitoring another person’s reactions that their own preferences slowly moved further and further into the background.

They learned:

How should I behave so this doesn’t become an argument?

What should I say so they don’t get upset?

What should I wear?

Who is okay for me to talk to?

How do I need to act today?

And when you spend long enough looking outward for permission, it can become difficult to hear yourself.

Gaslighting Can Happen in Families Too

This is not limited to romantic relationships.

Family systems can teach people to question their experiences as well.

Maybe something hurt you and you were told:

“That wasn’t a big deal.”

Maybe you confronted something inappropriate and heard:

“Why are you trying to cause problems?”

Maybe everyone agreed not to talk about what happened.

Maybe you were told:

“That’s just how your mother is.”

“Your father did the best he could.”

“You need to let that go.”

“Nobody else remembers it that way.”

Sometimes families minimize experiences because acknowledging them would require confronting something painful about the family system itself.

And again, that can leave a person thinking:

Maybe it really wasn’t that bad.

Sometimes that question follows people into adulthood.

What Gaslighting Can Do to Self-Trust

People who have experienced prolonged manipulation sometimes enter therapy with tremendous self-doubt.

They may ask:

“Am I allowed to be upset about this?”

“Do you think I’m overreacting?”

“Was what happened actually wrong?”

“Would another person feel hurt by this?”

And sometimes I reflect the question back differently.

If someone you loved told you this exact story, what would you think?

That little shift can be powerful.

Because suddenly they are evaluating the situation without the years of messaging attached to it.

And they might say:

“Oh.

Yeah.

I would think that was really hurtful.”

Exactly.

Rebuilding Self-Trust Is Part of Healing

When someone has spent years being told what to think, feel, believe, or tolerate, healing is not simply:

“Just trust yourself.”

That sounds nice, but it skips the work.

Self-trust often has to be rebuilt slowly.

Sometimes that means learning to validate your own emotional experience:

Something does not have to hurt everyone else in order for it to hurt me.

Sometimes it means reality-checking:

What actually happened?

Not what they said happened.

Not what I wish happened.

What happened?

Sometimes it means asking:

If another person experienced this, would I tell them they were being too sensitive?

Sometimes it means recognizing the difference between:

“I feel guilty.”

and

“I did something wrong.”

And sometimes it means relearning something that should have been yours all along:

You are allowed to have your own perception of your life.

This Is Where Boundaries Come Back Into the Conversation

This is why I see gaslighting as such a natural continuation of the conversation about boundaries.

Because boundaries require some level of self-trust.

You have to believe:

I know when something doesn’t feel okay to me.

I am allowed to acknowledge when I have been hurt.

I do not need somebody else’s agreement before I can have a limit.

I can listen to another person’s perspective without automatically abandoning my own.

Healthy relationships do not require two people to agree about everything.

But healthy relationships should have room for both people’s experiences to exist.

There is a significant difference between:

“I remember that conversation differently.”

and

“You’re crazy. That never happened.”

Between:

“I didn’t intend to hurt you.”

and

“You’re too sensitive. Nobody else would care.”

Between:

“I disagree with your boundary.”

and

“You don’t get to have one.”

A Final Thought

One of the most painful effects of manipulation is that sometimes the relationship ends before the manipulation does.

The other person may no longer be standing in the room telling you:

You’re overreacting.

But their voice has become internalized.

Now you’re the one asking:

Am I overreacting?

Am I being dramatic?

Am I asking for too much?

Am I remembering this wrong?

And part of healing is learning to recognize when that voice does not actually belong to you.

You can consider another person’s perspective without surrendering your reality.

You can acknowledge your own mistakes without accepting responsibility for someone else’s choices.

You can have compassion for somebody else’s history without allowing it to excuse harmful behavior.

And you can begin trusting yourself again.

Sometimes the question isn’t:

“Am I crazy for feeling this way?”

Maybe the better question is:

“What happened to me that taught me I needed permission to trust my own feelings?”